Everything Changes

I asked the 7 year old living beneath me why she wasn’t in school today. This was her answer. “Oh…today we were tired, so we slept in and momma came over to babysit.” Only in the South will a mom become the babysitter. It is a land of grandmothers raising babies…and it isn’t pretty.

Now that we’ve been living in the South for over two months, I feel I can make a decent judgment about my life here. First of all, the racial tensions here are very odd. After growing up in the West and then living for the past 9 years in Vermont, being “racist” or having racists thoughts are the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, the Coloradans are afraid that Mexico will invade once and for all, but that’s a whole other story. Here, black and white people have an ongoing rift, which makes little to no sense to me. The odd thing is that sometimes there is no issue at all. The color lines are not a boundary and people simply step right over them to engage in conversation. Other times, the line is not defined and it’s as though I’m not even in the room. So odd.

Let me begin this next little diatribe with the fact that I lived in what can only be referred to as the ghetto for a short time after my parent’s divorce. My father bought a little house on Las Animas in Colorado Springs. In the years he lived there, a drive by shooting happened right in front of the house, the house across the street burned down, and the crack house two doors down was infiltrated by cops where they killed the pit bull in the front yard before entering and arresting the people inside. Awesome? Not so much. Then there was the neighborhood itself minus the crime. The homes were dilapidated, young kids roamed free without any supervision, dogs got off chains or ropes and wandered aimlessly, etc. It was a thing of beauty. I escaped that pitiful world and with a few minor setbacks (Burlington Housing Authority gig — story for another time), I have avoided the impoverished and neglectful with complete happiness.

So… here we are. Georgia. We live in a nice apartment complex. I miss my house in Vermont more than anyone will ever know, but this place is alright. It’s brand new, so any misdeeds performed by the tenants haven’t really shown up. Until now. My immediate downstairs neighbor is a white woman who lives with her husband and their grown son. I’m not sure how old he is, but he is too old to be living with mommy and daddy. She has four granddaughters that range in age from 3 to 10, and they’re wicked. Every time I take my lovely daughter outside to play on the playground, the little girls are drawn to her like moths to a flame. “Elsa!” they holler. Elsa looks at me in terror. I can read her mind. Oh God. They’re going to touch me. Two minutes into our playtime, I am already saying things like “Okay, she can walk by herself,” or “She doesn’t need to be picked up. She’s not a baby,” or my favorite “Don’t push her.” Ugh. Two minutes after that, they want to pick her up and put her in the swing. I want to tell them to back the fuck off! But they’re kids. I have to remind myself that they’re behavior isn’t their fault. No one. Simply no one, supervises them. Ever. Their mother drops them off for days or weeks at a time. As far as I can tell, she works at the Circle K, had four kids with her black boyfriend and now lives somewhere else. But the kids stay with grandma downstairs.

I like to think that I’m this really nice person who just wants to enjoy some quiet time outside with her daughter, but really I think that these little bastards turn me into the nastiest person ever. They ask if they can go in my house all the time. They ask my neighbor if they can get something to drink at her house. Then yesterday, two new kids showed up to the park. They were 6 going on 21. The little girl had a mouth on her that wouldn’t quit. I finally picked up my precious tot and walked her home. She was sad to leave, but I just didn’t need to have her hear things like, “Give me a chicken sandwich mama! What? You gonna’ whup me?”

I had breakfast with my husband’s friend’s family the other day and they were telling me all about their plan for the apocalypse. I laughed, and after a lengthy conversation about their plan he asked where I had been living––as if I’ve never seen the underbelly of society before. You know? At first, all I could think of was my time in Vermont, which is so pretty and crime free that one forgets that bad things happen, but the last couple of days I have shot back to my youth in Colorado and appreciate how far we’ve come. I’ve heard worse stories here. Someone told me that they saw a kid take a shit on the playground at their building. Ah. Things are looking up!

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A romantic Southern evening

Because my husband was going to be out of town for an entire week, I scheduled a babysitter the day he left for the following weekend. My lovely daughter had gotten yet another cold, so there we were enjoying some more coughing and sneezing. Luckily, she handed this down to me as well. Perfect! So I counted down the days until that date night. I imagined my cold subsiding and romance ensuing.

Cut to date night.

“So what do you wanna do?” I asked my husband sheepishly. He had been suffering from a migraine the entire day, so I all I hoped was that he would say he still wanted to go.

“I know this sounds weird, but do you wanna go to the gun range? You’ve just never shot a gun, so I thought it would be kinda’ different, you know?” He looked away, hoping that my answer would be a simple yes.

“Um, sure. I guess. I mean… it’s not the first thing that came to mind, but why not? I would feel better knowing how to use it.”

After stuffing earplugs in our ears and placing more ear protection over the top of that, we were ready to start shooting at the targets. I was so nervous I was sweating. Guns frighten me. I respect what they are able to accomplish and have never had the reason to want or need to carry one, but on this night I wanted to “stand by my man” and show him that I was supportive of his knowledge in this particular area.

I stood in the appropriate stance; and I could feel the heat of anxiety building in my skin. Breathe, Nissa. Breathe. I thought to myself. I let out the breath and squeezed the trigger. BANG! The small caliber handgun threw off a power I was unfamiliar with, so I took a breath before pulling the trigger again and again. I have an amazing gift for hitting targets. After my first clip was empty, Craig looked at me and said, “You can’t come with me anymore. Holy shit. You missed your calling.”

Although his compliment was very kind, I couldn’t help, but feel awkwardly uncomfortable in that setting. Someone two lanes down was shooting at a picture of Osama Bin Laden with something MUCH louder than my baby Walther. Every time this person would take a shot, my insides would jolt. We both went through a couple of clips a piece. Once I was getting toward the end of my last clip, the guy next to me began firing at the same time. His shells were bouncing off of my feet when one finally stuck between the leather strap and my foot. The burning was unreal. Calm and collected, I lay the gun down gently before reaching down to pull my shoe off with great ferocity. “Ouch!” I yelled. “Motherfucker!” Craig licked his thumb and placed it on the burn. I have no idea how effective this was, but I appreciated the effort. I was so ready to be done. And after that, we were. Thank God.

Next we went to a Japanese restaurant, one of the family style hibachi type joints where the cook twirls eggs and flips spatulas with great skill and ease. Instead, our cook came to our table and wasn’t even Japanese––he was of Middle Eastern descent. Not that I have anything against our brothers and sisters of the Middle East, but I expect a Japanese person to at least do the cooking! And I wasn’t disappointed. He threw his spatula across the hibachi at the gentleman eating sushi hurling a cup of soy sauce at the guest. I almost died laughing. He then cut up his onion to do the “volcano” and fire just went everywhere. It was more of an explosion we’ll say.

At the end of this evening, I just wanted to fall into a an alcohol induced coma, but my toddler’s cough came back with a vengeance in the middle of the night, so I just kept passing out in the rocking chair in her room. As I rocked my baby in my arms, I thought about where we were and how it was so drastically different from my home in Vermont. All that really mattered was that we were all together now. The absurdity of our date made me realize that I’m not above anything and I love experiencing so many different things in my life.

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I should be…

I should be doing something about that. Let me be clear. My hubby and I just had the talk about when to threaten with time-outs and when to actually follow through with them. As the mom, I feel like time-outs are just a part of my day, my vocabulary, and they don’t come as easily to my lovely husband. As the terrible two’s rear their ugly head, I find myself becoming increasingly irritated with her behavior. She has slapped me a few times, refuses to take my hand before nearing parking lots and streets and is, well, just plain stubborn.

Recently, on one of our muggy Georgia nights, we went to one of the thousands of concept restaurants for dinner. Johnny Carabas. I was already in a bad mood before we even entered. I don’t recall exactly why I was cranky. Some would say that’s my typical M.O., but I’d like to think that something profound had placed me in my funk. Anyhow, we went into the restaurant and it was hot. The temperature was steamy and the floors were covered in what appeared to be grease––a general glaze of fat if you will. If one got up quick enough from their table they could promptly slide their ass across the room. My daughter gorged herself on cheap spaghetti while I sipped a marginally tasty glass of wine. Elsa became increasingly irritable as the dinner wore on and she was ready to go home and go to bed. I waited with my fussy toddler outside the busy restaurant while Craig paid our bill. She proceeded to run away from me and ignore my pleads for her to stop.

Moments into our cat and mouse game, she ran directly into the parking lot. I lost sight of her behind a car and my heart pounded like construction demolition. The fear inside me was so loud it was deafening. “Elsa!” I screamed.

“Elsa!” Still nothing. As I ran toward the parking lot, I noticed the traffic entering from the street and I wanted time to stop. Everyone stop Goddammit! I can’t see my fucking daughter! But everything continued like a freight train bound for its final destination. I turned the corner, into the street/parking lot and she was in front of me, giggling and running toward another car. I pounced on her in a hot second and knelt down in front of her.

“You NEVER run away from mommy!” I yelled. My voice trembled.

“Mommy,” she said.

“No… no mommy. You just listen to me. You scared mommy. You could get hurt. This isn’t a game!”

I walked her back to the sidewalk and stopped once more. “Don’t you ever do that again!” I yelled. As I looked up, a young soldier was on his cell phone and did his best to ignore me. He could see the panic painted thick and messy across my face. I wasn’t embarrassed. Another young mother had seen the incident and she grabbed her toddler into her arms, looked in my direction and said, “So scary.” I wasn’t sure if she was shooting me a glance of solidarity or a look of inadequacy. Either way, I was flush with fear.

My husband emerged from the restaurant without knowing what had happened. While he adjusted her straps to her seat, I broke into tears. After telling him what happened, he again scolded her for what she had done. She cried the whole way home.

What I am learning is that I am not a perfect parent and I make many mistakes and miscalculations. I think I have things down pat and I don’t. Elsa is her own person and I can’t control her. And I try. Boy do I try.

Today we went on a walk with another family and I felt as though everything I did with her was being judged by my husband. “Let’s not threaten her,” he says. “I just think if you’re going to tell her that she’s going to get a time out, then she should get one.” Agreed. I do. I completely do. I want to be a tough mom who does things when she means them and doesn’t let her kid turn into a spoiled brat. That being said, I find that I am her disciplinarian 98% of the time and frankly, it’s exhausting. Hell, I gave her a time-out today for something she did to her dad. And perhaps this herein lies the rub. I rarely hear him threaten let alone give her a time-out. These tactics are all left up to mommy––the evil one. What did Bush call them? Oh wait. Call me mommy, the evil doer. I think that’s it.

I should be more consistent with punishment. I should be watching my carb intake. I should get going on that novel outline. I should… I should… I should.

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