I am always tired. So tired that I forget simple things––like my water bottle on top of the car, or if I took a shower today or not. I am 35 weeks pregnant and I can barely see the finish line. Each night my back and pubic bone allow me to reach new heights in how much pain I can tolerate. I get out of bed as slowly as possible while I flinch and whimper. I can’t sit there for long as he weighs heavily on my bladder these days and I need to make it to the bathroom as soon as humanly possible before bad things happen. Once I’m done with my business, I traipse my way down the hallway, look in on my baby girl and then head to the kitchen for a snack. Oh the snacks. How they have tormented me during this pregnancy. I feel hungry ALL of the time. I’m simply not one of those women who will gain the recommended 25-35 pounds. No… I like to pack on a good 50––or more.
I keep telling myself that it’s all part of the plan. I believe they call it the ‘master plan’ or ‘grand scheme’. Either way, I have found myself feeling pretty low these days. Let’s face it, 35 doesn’t feel like 25. It just doesn’t. I know. I know. I should be reveling in my healthy pregnancy and practicing soothing yoga to unwind and bond with my unborn child. But does that sound like me? Not so much. I prefer to run, bike, lift weights and have a truly amazing heart pounding experience while working out. I’ve tried pilates and yoga, but nothing soothes my soul more than a really tough workout. And now I’m stuck. It’s just me and my late night cookie binge. I like to feed those endorphins when I can. A taste on the tongue is a quick euphoric fix. The scale simply doesn’t lie… and I’m going to have to lose this shit all over again. YIKES. Now I’m contemplating as to why exactly I’m doing this. I have to assume that it’s some kind of self-sabotage. Am I punishing myself for not working? Am I resenting the fact that my husband is always working and I’m alone more and more of the time? Will I be raising these two children by myself? Am I releasing my controlling tendencies and simply giving in to my natural desire to consume?
Perhaps. Perhaps it’s a mixture of everything I’ve said and those tiny neuroses that run my life without my consent. Yet there are things that bother me. I mean… I have always been so self-reliant and now we rely solely on Craig’s income. That feels so strange to me. Becoming a stay-at-home mom over these past nine months has been a terrific yet daunting experience and I tend to feel taken for granted. I suppose most moms feel this way, but never express it. Sadly, I’m one of those moms that expresses that kind of thing. Well––sad for my poor hubby anyway.
So what am I going on and on about? Am I talking about my weight and really just my loss of control over that part of my life? Am I talking about being a stay-at-home mom? What am I talking about? I guess I’m sitting here in the silence of my apartment at 9pm on a Monday thinking about all of the things that drive me crazy and how little control I have over any of it. Hormones have taken the place of any real thought or human communication. I now thrive on those tiny moments during the day when I feel a glimmer of myself hidden within. And I know I’ve said it time and time again, but I just miss me. I am so curt with Elsa and get so tired of fighting with her. I can no longer bend over to pick her up and force her into the bathroom to brush her teeth or use the potty. I am physically challenged now… and I can’t stand it. But I know that this will all be worth it in the end.
Sarah McLachlan sings a song called Answer and it’s all about the sleeplessness and frustration of being a mother. She sings…
If it takes my whole life / I won’t break, I won’t bend / It will all be worth it / Worth it in the end /
Cause I can only tell you what I know / That I need you in my life / When the stars have all gone out / You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently / Into morning / For the night has been unkind / Take me to a place so holy / That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight…
And this is what being a mother and wife is all about… well, at least in my mind it is. We’ve make these choices and sacrifices and it’s for the greater good. Our children, and our marriages. It’s not about me. I have to be reminded of this from time to time.