Every time I feel I’m a perfect fit for my stay-at-home-mom job, life pulls me in a different direction. This past week I have been struggling to remember who the hell I am. For most of my life I’ve been able to define myself either through school or my work, but now that I’m at home with wee-ones, I’m finding it difficult to connect to myself. That sounds strange right? Someone who is at home for the entire day and has little interaction with others is struggling to find themselves. Hmmm. Sounds like some bullshit, I know, but I’m starting to think it’s me. Most of you who know me well would probably second that emotion.
Tonight I feel at war with my inner mommy and my intellectual self. Mostly because I have no freaking clue where the latter has gone. My husband even mentioned that my vocabulary was lacking recently, which he said in jest, but there was a little truth in it. I mean… my Southernese does come out every once in a while. I can’t help myself! And yes, contrary to what he may believe, “junkin’” is a word. For instance, “Elsa, put your toys away. You’re junkin’ up my living room.” See? It is a word. It works. Oye. He may be right. I may be losing it.
But I digress, after folding a mountain of children’s clothing I could hear my son’s raspy cough echoing in the monitor. Sigh. Let’s hope this isn’t another fucking cold. And forgive my expletives, but I feel I’ve earned them this past two weeks, so I’m going to use them liberally. Just look away if you can’t stomach them. But stay with me… I went up to his room to get his humidifier going and tuck him in, and he was so cute, sucking his thumb like crazy. I snuck out and stepped across the hall to my girl’s room and I just want to crawl in bed with her. I don’t know why, but she makes me feel like everything is going to work out. Life is going to be okay. She is such a part of me. I can’t help but cozy up to her and breathe in everything that she is. It’s intoxicating. This piece of me––lying there in perfect rest. I don’t know, this is my least cohesive thought or piece of writing I’ve done in a while, but I am so close to finding my Nissa-nervana… but yet so far away.
I know it’ll get easier at some point. I know. Don’t tell me.