I haven’t written in what seems to be an eternity. And I don’t have a clear reason as to why this is. I assume it’s because I’ve been doing some serious soul searching lately… trying to get to the bottom of who I am––and to what this “life thing” is all about. I started doing CrossFit in January, which has been a fun, exhausting and difficult journey, but ultimately it has taught me how to be stronger, inside and out. And boy do I need that lately?
Early this morning, while street lights were still aglow, my son awoke from his sleep. He walked to the top of the stairs where he called out, “Mommy, mommy, mommy.” I drew him into my arms and we sat silently in his room, rocking our way back to Nod. I couldn’t help but think how that scenario will be stuck, as if on repeat, for the next year. As Craig prepares to leave for another deployment, I do as well. And the thought of it is beginning to hurt. Really hurt. I looked down at my boy who will be turning two in a few days, and know he will not remember the distance that we as a family are about to experience. And I’m comforted by that. He has no concept of time, and as long as one of his parents––especially mommy at this age––are around to take care of his needs, he’ll be happy. Elsa however, is acutely aware that daddy is leaving and has no idea what this entails. It’s a long trip, so we’ve told her. A really long trip, and it crushes me to have her hero taken away from her for so long.
I sat there holding Gunnar, listening to the soft suckle of his thumb while his fingers played out an orchestrated movement through his strawberry blond hair, and it hit me just how much they will change this next year while their dad is away, and it saddened me deeply. We will keep in touch using Skype or what have you, but it’s not the same as sitting in the same room with your child, comforting them as they fall back into a deep slumber. I know there is little time before he leaves, but he has even less time to soak up those kids… every nuance, every hilariously awful thing they say, and do! I don’t want him to miss a thing.
As far as figuring out life is concerned, I have yet to do that… and hell, I may never, but today I need to focus on being strong for my kids, my husband and me. There’s so little time to do anything else.